Getting Old

 

 

Hello to the few readers we have,

 

Cat here. I know I know it’s been forever since I posted anything! This blogging stuff is ridiculously hard!! You’re suppose to spend hours planning what you’re going to write, and take meticulous notes and research. Which I swear I have been trying to do, but just haven’t been able to get the thoughts flowing.

Thankfully my beautiful girl friend has had some very deep thoughts flowing through that beautiful head of hers to cover my ass. But without further ado here are my thoughts for today:

 

…I’m getting old.

 

Okay, maybe by some people’s definition I am not actually getting old, in fact they’d probably call me pretty young, considering I turn 25 in less then a month. But too me, I might as well be a thousand.

 

I have always had issues getting older, for my entire life. I remember laying in my bed when I was around 8 or 9 just watching old family videos of myself from when I was 3 and 4 and just wishing and wishing I was that age again. I use to just watch them and cry constantly. My mom eventually had to actually take all the family videos and VCR from me because I was so unhealthily obsessed with my age and wanting to be younger.

 

And I’m still the same. I cannot think about the fact my birthday is coming up and that I’m going to be a quarter of a century old. People laugh at me when I say I’m getting old but honestly it stresses me out more then anything in my life.

 

I have been trying to think about how this happened. How did I suddenly become this age? Where did my life go? When I try to recall being a teenager or being younger then that even, it feels like a movie. Not like a life I lived, but like something I watched on TV. Who was that girl who was obsessed with the Spice Girls and soccer, and later in life cheerleading? Was that me? How was that me? I feel no emotional connection to her, she’s a stranger to me. Someone I just know a lot about but have never met.

 

I can’t stop think about this.

 

Why don’t I feel a connection to my younger self? Sometimes I think something terrible happened to me, so my mind blocked everything out to help with the pain. But as far as I can tell nothing happened…Or maybe my minds just working too well.

Maybe it all has something to do with my depression that I have been battling for at least two years (but I think a lot longer but that’s a different topic). Maybe it’s the medication I am on causing my brain to be so foggy?

 

Nonetheless, I can’t get older. I just can’t. I know it sounds silly but I honestly do not want to grow up.

 

I wish I was Peter Pan, so I never had to.

 

-Cat

 

time_flies_by_janussyndicate

 

 

Advertisements

Engagement?

Hello,

Keisha here, again !, Something that has been on my mind lately is asking Caterina for her hand in marriage. Me being bi-sexual, Caterina is the first girl I have ever dated, as am I for her. The guys I used to date if i ever thought they were going to last i always knew that i would be the one to get proposed too, and that i would walk down the aisle ect.

Me and Caterina are trying to figure out who has to propose to the other ( not that either one of us HAS to its just that we both WANT too ) and how we should do it. We love to do everything together so we’ve already got half of the wedding planned without even being engaged! But WHO should propose when you’re both girls? All i have ever known or thought of is the guy proposing. MY answer to that question is whoever gets to it first is the one who will propose, so at this point its a guessing game for both of us on who is going to go forward with the big step.

Some things are scary to think about though as we only came out to our parents not even a year ago ( we didn’t tell them until we were already dating for a few months ) and lets just say both my mom and hers did not take it well. At this point I think that they are both still in denial and take it as we are still just best friends. My mom still refuses to see me and cat kiss, and just barely got used to the idea of us holding hands, so HOW on earth are they going to react when I say we’re engaged?!

THATS SCARY!!!

Also there is a lot of other things I never thought about when dating a girl, as WHO walks down the aisle or WHO gets to get pregnant first or even how the hell are we going to get pregnant.?! I wish we could have a baby that looks like both of us as it would be the most beautiful baby on earth, but obviously that can’t happen, so how am i suppose to just pick a sperm and determine that this random guy gets to be half of my babies DNA.

All I know is that even though i have all these questions on how we are supposed to do these things as opposed to the traditional way, im glad im figuring them out with Caterina and no one else. ( Cliche i know ) ( or gushy for others ). Life is not going to be all that easy for us but if we stay positive then we will get through it together.

 

What are your guys opinion on this? or how you would do these things if it were you, as I am interested on other people’s feedback or experiences.

Have a lovely day!!!

-Keisha

How?

Hello,

Keisha here, we’ve been doing lots of planning and researching ( or cat has ) and it seems as if were suppose to plan these blog posts and spend lots of time on them, which i will , but as you will learn i like to speak what is on my mind when i am feeling something. This may or may not be all over the place, but try to stay with me here.

It’s about to thunderstorm and black clouds are outside which suites my mood as i am feeling down lately. I’ve been trying to think about why i may be feeling this way, and not try to blame other people for the way i am feeling. A little back story for you guys, my mom and dad divorced when I was nine years old. When I was around 11 my father introduced  me and my younger sister Tyra to this woman named Angelica.She was cool and super nice to me and my sister at first, soon enough her and my dad had my first half-brother named Brenden and about two years later they had my other little brother named Carlitos. They live an hour and a half away from us in a big city, and the winters here are CRAZY, and usually tend to be unsafe to travel on the big ol highway separating us. Me and my sister used to go to their house every other weekend due to court orders and spend 4 weeks there during the summer.  After a few years me and Angelica started to get to know each other and she started to show her true colours. She was rude, towards me and my mom, and would definantly show her hate for us to me.

At first it was petty things such as not letting me hold my brothers when they were babies, then it would get to not taking me to the store because I didn’t ” look ” up to her standards, as i am not one to wear makeup or get dressed up and I like to be more comfortable. Then it would get to her and my dad telling my brothers that i was leaving their house because i no longer loved them. It was constant emotional abuse to not only me but to my little brothers who mean the world to me. She had a tendency of always treating my sister like she could do no wrong and like she was a princess and treated me the complete opposite. It set a wedge between us because i couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me, as i always tried to please Angelica.

Now I am 20 years old, my youngest brother will be turning 7 in a month and the oldest will be turning 9 in December. I am banned from them, because she doesn’t like me.

Why?

How could someone do that to another person?

How could my dad just sit there and let this happen?

What is wrong with me?

I still sit here and question why or what I did. I know i am not perfect and once the emotional abuse she was putting on me starting to sink in, i did act out a bit towards her. She wouldn’t let my brothers come to my high school graduation, or visit me when i was being hospitalized in their city for an eating disorder, she wouldnt let them call me on my birthday, or let me talk to them. She disconnected their ipads so they could no longer face time me or message me.I can’t help but sit here and think that those little boys think i hate them, and DONT want to be apart of their life, when i truly do. I cannot go to court to get visitation rights as i fear i will not win, plus the financial situation, and so forth. I cant stand to think that a judge may tell me no, but they are worth fighting for, i just need the courage.

 

I have tried begging my dad. He tells me that I have caused too much turmoil on their marriage and that he doesn’t want to be in the middle of it. That i need to solve this on my own. My heart hurts beyond what i thought it could. I never imagined this would happen and i don’t know where to go from here.

Thank you for listening guys and im sorry for ranting. I am glad that you get to know me a bit and if you have any advice or questions for me, PLEASE ask. I would absolutely love that.

Side note :  Me and Caterina plan on writing more and we ARE dedicated to this. :)
  • Keisha

 

DSCN0488

The last time i saw them and probably will until they are 18. On my sisters graduation day.

Who’s the man?

IMG_1369

 

Hi everyone, Cat here and it’s time to talk about something that has been driving me insane since Keisha and I made our relationship public. It’s the question that for some reason or another always comes up, its “Who’s the man?”.

First off, what gives anyone the right to ask such a question?

Second, sure we are both girls, but we are just two people who fell in love. It is not that difficult of a concept to understand. But people for some reason think they have rights to our sex life and relationship. They want to know the ins and outs, the ups and downs. Like it’s an equation they need to find the solution to. They do not even think about how inappropriate this question is or how it could possibly make one or both of us completely uncomfortable. It feels as though we are either being studied under a microscope, or we are part of some lame lesbian porn made for men. Why do they think this is okay? I don’t just go up to straight couples and ask them about what positions they have sex in and whether or not they use toys etc, so why do they think its okay to ask me?

I get that it is an unknown concept to them, they don’t comprehend how it works or why someone would want to do that with someone of the same sex as them. But honestly there’s a little thing called google. Use it people. If there is something I don’t understand I google it or read a book, that’s how I learn. Or if you really want a nice visual representation of lesbian sex you know, there’s a never ending supply of lesbian porn out there.  Educate yourself.

Seriously, the chances of you asking your straight friends about every detail in their sex life is slim, so please extend us the same courtesy and don’t go asking my girlfriend or me or any lesbian couple in the world how they have sex. You will either be grossed out,  confused, or knocked out and you will probably still not understand it. So keep your questions for google, and just admire us lesbian couples for being so god damn cute.

Thanks

 

-Cat