Keisha here, we’ve been doing lots of planning and researching ( or cat has ) and it seems as if were suppose to plan these blog posts and spend lots of time on them, which i will , but as you will learn i like to speak what is on my mind when i am feeling something. This may or may not be all over the place, but try to stay with me here.
It’s about to thunderstorm and black clouds are outside which suites my mood as i am feeling down lately. I’ve been trying to think about why i may be feeling this way, and not try to blame other people for the way i am feeling. A little back story for you guys, my mom and dad divorced when I was nine years old. When I was around 11 my father introduced me and my younger sister Tyra to this woman named Angelica.She was cool and super nice to me and my sister at first, soon enough her and my dad had my first half-brother named Brenden and about two years later they had my other little brother named Carlitos. They live an hour and a half away from us in a big city, and the winters here are CRAZY, and usually tend to be unsafe to travel on the big ol highway separating us. Me and my sister used to go to their house every other weekend due to court orders and spend 4 weeks there during the summer. After a few years me and Angelica started to get to know each other and she started to show her true colours. She was rude, towards me and my mom, and would definantly show her hate for us to me.
At first it was petty things such as not letting me hold my brothers when they were babies, then it would get to not taking me to the store because I didn’t ” look ” up to her standards, as i am not one to wear makeup or get dressed up and I like to be more comfortable. Then it would get to her and my dad telling my brothers that i was leaving their house because i no longer loved them. It was constant emotional abuse to not only me but to my little brothers who mean the world to me. She had a tendency of always treating my sister like she could do no wrong and like she was a princess and treated me the complete opposite. It set a wedge between us because i couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me, as i always tried to please Angelica.
Now I am 20 years old, my youngest brother will be turning 7 in a month and the oldest will be turning 9 in December. I am banned from them, because she doesn’t like me.
How could someone do that to another person?
How could my dad just sit there and let this happen?
What is wrong with me?
I still sit here and question why or what I did. I know i am not perfect and once the emotional abuse she was putting on me starting to sink in, i did act out a bit towards her. She wouldn’t let my brothers come to my high school graduation, or visit me when i was being hospitalized in their city for an eating disorder, she wouldnt let them call me on my birthday, or let me talk to them. She disconnected their ipads so they could no longer face time me or message me.I can’t help but sit here and think that those little boys think i hate them, and DONT want to be apart of their life, when i truly do. I cannot go to court to get visitation rights as i fear i will not win, plus the financial situation, and so forth. I cant stand to think that a judge may tell me no, but they are worth fighting for, i just need the courage.
I have tried begging my dad. He tells me that I have caused too much turmoil on their marriage and that he doesn’t want to be in the middle of it. That i need to solve this on my own. My heart hurts beyond what i thought it could. I never imagined this would happen and i don’t know where to go from here.
Thank you for listening guys and im sorry for ranting. I am glad that you get to know me a bit and if you have any advice or questions for me, PLEASE ask. I would absolutely love that.
Side note : Me and Caterina plan on writing more and we ARE dedicated to this. :)
The last time i saw them and probably will until they are 18. On my sisters graduation day.